Have you ever felt guilty or frustrated with your lack of comfort with money? Or wish you felt more knowledgeable or confident when making financial decisions? Or wondered why your money personality is so different than that of your siblings, even though you grew up in the same household?
My One Wish
One wish I have for women is that we would let go of feelings of guilt, blame, or regret when it comes to our money personality. Most of the time, we were imprinted at a young age in our childhood and then impacted by our financial roles in our relationships over the years, often without any intent or awareness of what was happening. And our parents often grew up the same way.
So, all we can do is become aware of what messages and experiences we absorbed and then focus forward, with no guilt or regrets. Our childhood imprinting has a lot to do with our brain and how it works.
The Good, the Bad, the Ugly
You may have heard that our brains are not fully developed until we are about 25 years of age (yikes!). So, what we lived out in our childhood was unable to be filtered. We just absorbed the conversations, experiences, feelings, emotions, and “lessons” around money, especially during our “thermostat” years (birth through age 8).
Our brain was unable to identify healthy vs dysfunctional, unable to decipher good versus bad, unable to decide whether to repeat or never repeat what just happened. We were truly “sponges” and absorbed it all – the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Our Perception
Childhood sets the stage for our money personality, our money messages, and our financial self-talk. Even growing up in the same household can render different experiences. Many things change between when you were born and your sibling(s) were born: the home you lived in, the jobs your parent(s) had, the neighbors you had, the family dynamics, the household finances, the economy, the relationships within and outside of your family, the list goes on.
Remember that perception is reality, so how each of you perceived those various experiences was how each of you emotionally absorbed them.
Our “Baggage”
When we go on to adult relationships, we each bring that “baggage” of our childhood money experiences with us. Have you ever talked with your partner about their earliest childhood money memories? It’s an interesting conversation that often won’t come up unless you intentionally bring it up as a discussion topic. It truly helps you put the other person’s financial traits into perspective and gives you better context as to how/why they feel and act today as they do.
What Type of Financial Couple Are You?
There has also been some interesting research about couples and their financial decision-making. MIT (Massachusetts Institute of Technology) and Hartford Insurance partnered to study financial behavior and found that most couples fit into one of three types. You can take my quiz to see where you stand.
Driver and Passenger
In this group, only one member of the couple knows about and makes all of the financial decisions. The other is uninvolved, and often happy not being bothered with the money side of life.
Joined at the Hip
Here both members of the couple are aware of their financial situation and make decisions together about the actions that need to be taken. But only one of them is the “doer” who actually takes care of the paperwork, makes the phone calls, attends the meetings, etc.
Divide and Conquer
Just like the Joined at the Hip couple, in this scenario both partners are aware and make financial decisions together. But the difference is that they split the duties. One may be involved in the banking and bill paying and the other takes action on the investments/insurance, for example.
Divide and Conquer
The research concluded that the type of couple that fares the best in the long run, after one has passed away, is the Divide and Conquer couple. No matter which one is gone first, the survivor is already accustomed to making decisions and taking care of 50% of the workload. So taking on the other half of the “doer” responsibilities is much less stressful than the other two categories where a survivor may be adjusting to 100% more than before.
Driver and Passenger
From my experience, Passengers have the most difficult time as a survivor. They not only have 100% of the actions, but they also have to adjust to having 100% of the awareness and decision-making as well. So much more is dumped in their lap than before their loss! Stress, trembling, and crying are not uncommon for them, very understandably so. Adding new, seemingly daunting, financial responsibilities to the new survivor’s life can feel very overwhelming. As if loss wasn’t traumatic enough!
Changing Behaviors
How can we change our behavior now that we better understand what shaped us up to this point in our lives? I have talked with women over the years about their categories. Some have told me they have been in all three categories throughout various relationships. Others know they are the Driver and are seeking tools and advice to provide for their Passenger partner in case they pass away first. Others are the Passenger and are intentionally trying to learn and be more aware as they hope to evolve to the Joined at the Hip category.
Wherever you are, for your own financial health, I encourage you to reflect on the history of your current money mindset and take action as needed.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How did your childhood contribute to your money feelings and financial habits? Which couples category are you or have you been in? How has that changed your money life or what can you do to change it for the better? Let’s have a discussion!