Fall started just a week ago. And while Fall is a time for the leaves to be dying off, symbolizing the end of a life cycle, for me it has always been more about new beginnings.
Fall means pumpkin spice lattes pouring into our cups. The beginning of the gorgeous Fall colors. When I was young, it meant the start of the school year, new school clothes, seeing all my friends again and wondering what new friends I would meet.
Meeting new friends at this age has its challenges and I know I’m not alone in feeling like my village has gotten smaller as I’ve gotten older. While we need to know we can rely on ourselves, we also need a sense of community.
Friendships Are Different: The Train Metaphor
The seasons of friendships can be unpredictable. My grandmother who lived to 103 used to compare these relationships to a train ride.
She’d say, some people will join us on our train for just a stop or two. Others will remain for a longer portion of the ride, and ultimately get off. Then there are those who stay with us until our final destination.
Common Issues with Friendships
I work with women of a certain age every day, and three of the most common issues with friendships are:
What do you do when a friendship becomes more of an energy drain, taking more from you than you have to give?
What do you do when someone gets off your train that you thought would be with you until the very last stop?
How do you meet new friends at this age?
I’ve had to walk through each of these scenarios myself, (multiple times!) so I thought I’d share some suggestions as a Later Life Coach, and from my own life experience.
Scenario #1: Gradually Phasing Out
For those relationships that no longer serve you, one way to distance yourself is to try and phase yourself out gradually. Becoming less available can be a good first step in allowing the relationship to organically roll to a stop.
Continuing with the train metaphor, you can also choose to take the direct route by saying you just don’t have the energy and time you feel the friendship requires. That you’ve decided you need to take more time for yourself for a while.
All true.
Scenario #2: Sudden Departure
I had a friend for over 20 years who left my train unexpectedly. We were always there for each other, in fact they would remind me that no matter the time of day or night, they would always be there.
Then they met a love interest and shortly afterward, disappeared. After some time, I reached out sharing my hurt and disappointment. Their response was defensive and didn’t address my feelings at all. I responded, and then never heard back.
And that was my answer. This was my closure, like it or not.
Their true colors of who they are now came to light, and they were clearly unable to communicate in a compassionate way. Whether they had changed, or I never saw this side of them, didn’t matter. They told me all I needed to know.
I have found that instead of looking at the good times with doubt and sadness, it is in our best interest to try and be thankful for the time when the friendship enriched our lives and… then put it in the past and move forward.
Note to self: if someone doesn’t treat you with kindness, compassion and a willingness to listen and discuss a difficult issue:
Let. Them. Go.
Start with Yourself
Healthy relationships enhance our well-being, and it takes an effort to find our people. Seeking out ways to do something you enjoy is one way to meet others who have similar interests.
Take yourself out to do something that lights you up and enjoy your own company… and you’ll have a much better chance of meeting others than sitting on the couch watching Netflix!
What I Did for Myself
Necessity is the mother of invention so I’ve decided to create a new branch from the tree of my Loving Later Life Podcast and start the Loving Later Life Together Community on Zoom where women 50, 60+++ can meet two times a month. It will be a place to share, connect, laugh, learn and more. I’ll get to make new friends while providing a way for others to do the same!
When something comes to an end, it’s also a time for new beginnings. I say we choose to look at this Fall season with hopeful eyes and focus on what brings us joy.
Having a sense of community is crucial for all of us. I hope you’ll join me in the Loving Later Life Together Community and in celebrating new beginnings and new friendships!
Let’s Have a Conversation:
Have you had friendship challenges? How did you handle them? How have you met new friends? Please share!