Let’s talk about legacy and our second half, and why safeguarding it through thoughtful planning is the most significant gift we can give ourselves and the people we love.
Legacies are long-lasting but delicate self-representations. Everyone gets one and, in most cases, everyone gets to influence the design of one through the special relationships, experiences and engagements we share with others during our lives.
Time for Legacy-Making
The most critical time for legacy-shaping, however, is during our Golden Years (65+ years) approach – the path 61 million people will be on by 2030, according to the National Institutes of Health. If a positive appraisal is important to you, then now is the time to consider how your financial, medical, legal and caregiving decisions will affect those in your inner circle – the people who ultimately decide how you will be remembered.
Negative experiences and refusals to plan for the future can reframe, mar or even wreck the legacy you’ve worked so hard to cultivate.
Receiving Someone’s Legacy
A few years ago, I was named the “person” for an older South Florida couple with no family in the picture. Unbeknownst to me, they decided I would make a trustworthy Power of Attorney and estate trustee should they run into any trouble during their sunset stroll. And boy, did they run into some of that.
I started getting cryptic calls and worrisome messages from their housekeeper about unpaid bills and unsafe living conditions – and worse. They needed help in nearly every area of their life – from bill-paying to liquidating homes to difficult and expensive 24-7 care. Two thumbs down and a million red-faced angry emojis don’t even begin to describe the experience.
Though woefully unprepared, I quickly learned how to fax POA documents and manage home healthcare, hospice support, home-selling, and – of course, how to find a home for all the stuff. Four years later, I’m still feeling PTSD from it.
This experience tainted and redefined my remembrance of the couple, especially the woman who had been my second mother for many years. She’s part of my earliest memories. An OG working mom, she had high standards and gave generously of herself to create opportunities for others. After the nightmare caregiving experience, those memories were reduced to angry reflections.
Now all I remember is all the multi-residence piles of stuff, the unfinished business, the refusals to think rationally and the wild stress that the entire last chapter of their life fire-hosed into mine. When I think of her now, all I feel is rage.
That is no way to leave a legacy.
What Kind of Legacy Do You Wish to Leave?
In Michael Hebb’s book, Let’s Talk about Death (over Dinner): An Invitation and Guide to Life’s Most Important Conversation, one of the conversation prompts is “What kind of legacy do you wish to leave?” This is such a critical thought! It is different for everyone, but who wants to pursue a legacy that is negatively charged, deplorable or so headshakingly painful no one wants to remember it?
A friend of mine was managing care and end-of-life care for his godmother, who passed away recently. As her power of attorney and “person” for all things essential during the past several years, he managed everything from her finances and caregiving to her medical and legal needs. Later, he was promoted to Stuff Director, which, as we all know, is one of the most challenging jobs out there when the client is a lifelong “collector.” He spent countless hours dedicated to this work.
Yet, when the end came, he was able to remember his godmother with fondness, penning a beautiful obituary that cemented a positive, most radiant rendering of her legacy. If I had to write an obituary after my experience, it would have been a big black Sharpie hash and 10 billion stab marks in the middle of ripped construction paper.
Reflecting Back to on Positive Times
I asked my friend if there was some relief in her passing. He said there was. He explained how he could now start reflecting on when she was great and at her prime. “There was a lot of good stuff overshadowed by lack of preparation and her overall decline. It’s good to get back to that.” That is grace.
I would love to have the same kind of reckoning one of these days, but I’m not there yet. Terrible, right? I’ll answer: yes, it IS terrible – terribly NORMAL. I’ve heard enough people with the same story to know this truth. Our relationships and situations are complex and different and emotionally unresolved.
Sure, there are bright spots, and yes, caregiving/management is usually based on a foundation of love and moral imperative. But it’s never easy. And sometimes it is steeped in so much muck, the best thing a person can do is to just walk around it or look away.
Legacy Is How We Live Our Lives
My friend’s godmother’s situation reminds me there’s one common denominator: how we live our lives – the good, the bad, the ugly – becomes our legacy whether we like it or not. Luckily, we have control over how we are remembered if we can dedicate ourselves to realistic planning, healthy communication and acceptance of our mortality as we approach our senior years.
We must protect the legacies we’ve worked our entire lives to build and refuse to let obstinance, poor preparation and ego reduce us to a pitiful portrayal of how NOT to be during our second half.
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How are you making sure your legacy is fondly remembered? What steps are you taking now to plan for this outcome?