Role reversal, whether it is as a parent/child or even a grandparent/grandchild, never quite feels right. Becoming the “let me help you” person in the relationship is not how it likely went for most of your life. But with aging, that sometimes changes or needs to change for the safety and best health of the person you love.
And then you add in the taboo topic of money, and the conversations become even more challenging. I am talking about approaching an aging family member or friend to help them with their financial life.
Your Guide Book on This Subject
I recently had the pleasure of meeting a financial journalist and author, Cameron Huddleston. A few years ago, she wrote the book Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk: How to Have Essential Conversations with Your Parents About Their Finances. And I was so pleased to see her hit the nail on the head with all of the related areas that I have witnessed over the past 20+ years as a financial advisor working with families. Her comprehensive book was passionately created out of her own first-hand experience.
Experience Is the Best Teacher
Cameron shared with me, as she does in her book, that her mom was living on her own (after a divorce). And she began noticing some signs of her mother’s memory loss. Cameron never had detailed financial conversations before that except when the topic of long-term care had come up. On that subject, she had encouraged her mom to look into options for paying for care in case it would ever be needed, especially since she was living on her own.
But as is the case with many long-term care insurance applicants, Cameron’s mom found out that she was uninsurable (due to a pre-existing condition in this case). In hindsight, Cameron feels that would have been the perfect opportunity to talk more with her mom (to understand her financial situation regarding her assets, to ask about what care she might want if that became a need, etc.).
Detective Work
As with many families, once she saw continued signs of memory loss, then it became a scramble to see an estate planning attorney to update legal documents. The attorney recommended letting the bank know that she was her mom’s financial power of attorney as an important next step.
Then Cameron began monitoring her mom’s financial life from behind the scenes. She shared that it felt like detective work to even find information since her mom was understandably forgetting things and wouldn’t always know the answer when she was asked a question.
A Book Was Born
I asked Cameron what was the last straw, the switch that flipped in her mind, motivating her to share her experience in a book. She said it was during an interview for a podcast. Both hosts said, “Boy, I should be talking with my parents!” Then the tech person and literally everyone else in the room was saying the same thing: “You’ve opened my eyes!” “I need to be talking to my parents!” “This could be me, too!”
The two things I most like about Cameron’s book are its comprehensiveness and the step-by-step guide as to what to do when stepping into this new role of partnering with parents on their finances.
All the Things
Who knew there would be so many approaches, angles, and people potentially involved in this idea of talking with your parents about their finances? I want to share a few takeaways that I found extremely true in having seen this play out with actual families over the years:
Have a Plan
“Have a plan for how you are going to approach this,” Cameron advises. Talking to siblings first should be part of that plan so nothing is behind their back, no one assumes bad intentions, and you can agree on who should have the discussion, the best time to have it, and how to start the conversation.
Try Different Approaches
Try a variety of approaches: consider asking parents for financial advice even if you don’t really need it and then keep asking questions to keep conversations going. Talk about scams and offer to help (ways to protect, credit reports); share a story (how it went well or badly); and don’t give up after one try as it may take a variety of approaches.
Enlist a Trusted Third Party
Get a trusted third party involved: a family friend, another family member, a professional like clergy, an estate planning attorney, or a financial advisor.
Don’t Wait for an Emergency
Cameron’s book even gives a step-by-step guide on how to approach the conversation and actions to take when one thing doesn’t work once you hopefully begin moving forward. Her advice mirrors mine, “Don’t wait for the health issue or when they have to ask for help or when they can’t afford something!” She reminds us all to do it while everyone is healthy. In emergency mode, emotions run high and we tend not to think or talk rationally which makes a difficult time even harder.
One final thought is her wise call to action. “These conversations are about finding out what your parents’ wishes are so that you can honor those wishes.”
Let’s Have a Conversation:
How did you or your family approach your parents about helping them with financial planning-related topics? Has anything you experienced with your parents changed the way you think about communicating with your adult children? If you or your parent are/were single, how does that change the situation?